I have OCD. Not the physical type most think of like Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets with the routine door checks and germaphobia handwashing or Howie Mandal’s no physical contact compulsion—though I do have a certain sensitivity to some hygiene-related areas that can cause a phobic reaction in me if boundaries are crossed. I cannot help it. It is not something I can make “go away”.
But I digress. And if I let myself digress, I can write 5 more paragraphs explaining in great detail my seemingly irrational nuances about what I innately am okay with and not okay with hygiene-wise.
Welcome to OCD. My type, anyway.
I have mental OCD. Ruminations plague me day in, day out. Particularly when it comes to relationships (lovers, friendships, family—no one is excluded). I overthink. I overanalyze. I over-feel. I overexplain. I over-justify. I over-beat-myself-up. Then I overthink some more.
Here is how a typical situation goes for me in my daily brain: Something happens and I feel something is off with a person or situation. I emote it and know there is something behind me feeling off that is beyond my mental worry or concern.
I think of 30 different scenarios of how conversations can go about this topic and play out 30 more in the shower, in the car, in my journal. I have these fake conversations with others. I sometimes even write long letters (sometimes sent, sometimes not sent – good Lord, sorry to those I actually send them to).
Then there comes a point of overwhelm where I know I need to get my brain in check.
I meditate to find clarity on it. I use the coaching and healing tools I’ve learned to check in with my heart and intuition to balance out the monkey brain chatter. I get clear—SO clear—and I’m confident in my decision. It’s a full KNOWING from every sense of my body and soul. And then I decide to act full-heartedly in complete alignment.
Then I get ridden with anxiety and panic attacks, though the little angel voice keeps saying, “You are okay. You can do this. It’s okay to follow your heart.” I talk to at least 3 different close friends who get I have OCD for validation that I am not acting crazy or impulsively, just to make sure it’s NOT a decision made from my OCD. When validated and I remember clearly why I need to make this decision, I continue to be nauseous until I act on it. Literally, I get physically ill.
Then it’s done. I follow through and I feel enormous relief and a warm knowing inside that although it was sad, or hard, or scary, or even turned out joyful, it was the right thing to do. All is calm and certain and kissed by God’s pride for being true to myself, and it’s a wonderful 10 minutes.
Turn the clock forward no more than 10 minutes, and my OCD thinks it’s party time.
My relief is ridden with guilt. I question what I just did or said or decided. I doubt. I overthink again. I ask myself if I overthought it before and made a wrong decision—or good heavens, could I possibly have not thought it through enough? (BTW: the answer is always NO lol).
Was I acting out of fear? Did I make it dramatic in my mind? Was it really all that [insert original feeling]? Could I have done something different to fix it or change it or change myself or… or… or…
Then comes the real fun. What do others think of my decision or new situation? Do they hate me for it? How can I make them see I had no bad intentions? Will that make them still think lovingly of me or accept my good intentions? Am I still lovable to others? Will my friends still support me or are they tired of me and my situations? Will my mom shake her head or encourage me when I tell her? What will strangers on the fucking internet think?
I try to explain it, sometimes publicly (like this)—to clarify, to convince, to share, to inspire—for so many different reasons because I believe sharing can help others and the written word can help express where I fail verbalizing.
But then—did people see it? Did they read it? Did they like it? Were they inspired? Did it work? Do they still like or love me? Why don’t I have any likes or comments? Why didn’t they view my story? Did they block me or is there something wrong with the algorhythm? It unnerves me that I care so much. I care TOO much. I don’t want anyone hurt by my decisions. All knowing full well it’s not even fucking about ME. Yet: Am I bad person? Am I being selfish? On and on and on is the story of my mental life.
It becomes too much to the point where I am then forced to go the other extreme and shut down. I have no mental choice but to pause connections with anyone involved in the situation for my own health until the ruminations quiet to a point of manageability. If I keep contact, the anxiety and obsessive thinking leads to my unique compulsions. If I go “no contact” and dark on social media, I am able to enter back into a world of balance, of what’s right in front of me, of priorities, and of clarity. Of healing. Of self-remembrance.
The triggers of rumination are removed and then I can see the world as it is and not as it repeats itself as 30 different scenarios in my mind at once.
For those wondering: yes, I am on medication and in therapy. I will be for the rest of my life, and yes, I find it works on daily basis. I practice my tools and 90% of the time, it has become manageable. I can self-soothe my mind back to balance and calm on any given day and I’m super proud of how far I have come in my OCD healing journey.
But for some reason, the particular OCD I have is relationship related and people are my triggers. My sense of worth, my sense of belonging, and my lovability are all automatically dictated by others and I am working on my internal peace and validation to be my determining factors instead. No one should hold that power over me, and I shouldn’t be giving that away.
But I will never not overthink or ruminate or go through this cycle. It may be less intense or better managed, but I cannot change my biological disposition. I have to work with it the best I can.
Like you all, I am a work in progress and am fully self-aware of my shortcomings, my wounds to heal, and my pattens to break. I am loving myself through them and using a recent experience to not just help myself but hopefully connect to others who might know exactly how this feels.
You are not alone, and neither am I. There is nothing “wrong” with us. Everyone has a battle to face. ADD, anxiety, depression, autism, bipolar and other personality disorders, narcissism, PTSD, dyslexia, etc—not a single person is without some kind of disorderly-type flaw they have to work through.
It’s been a challenge getting to know and understand myself under this new lens, but it has created a deeper self-awareness and level of self-acceptance. Nothing is more challenging for me than having a predisposition to self-perfectionism in a severely and beautifully imperfect world.
But I no longer feel shame for having it. It’s just my truth.
I did for a long while, but it’s just as beautiful a part of me as my smile that lights up a room. My imagination and creativity are ever-present and unlimited. I can see multiple sides of a situation with diplomacy. I have an attention to detail that clients both adore and hate at the same time but it makes me damn dependable.
My mental prowess is extraordinary, and I am driven to succeed because my mind won’t let me quit until I convince myself in 30 different scenarios that it’s time to surrender (*wink*)
Most importantly, it makes me set and have high standards for myself. I will adapt but not settle. I will give but not endlessly without receiving. I will use my voice and speak my truth in the most loving yet authentic of ways. It makes me want to learn from every mistake and every experience to become a better person in general.
I have OCD.
But OCD does not have me.
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